Rambo 4: Stallone, stop acting like you wrote this.

On a whim, I went to see the new Rambo flick on opening night. Let me just say that I expected people to be blown away, but I didn't expect to be one of them. (spoiler: I was!)

Sure, Stallone's old, but that wasn't really an issue here; and I realize that Rambo couldn't have been much less human if he were portrayed by a Kodiak bear, but aside from all that it was still a great movie, and I have my doubts that a musclehead like Sly could have written it. Although he would have had to write it, because the way he talks he would have had a hell of a time trying to dictate it. (Ha!)

On the surface, it's a blood and guts action film about a
war vet who reluctantly leads some missionaries into war-torn Burma, and ends up almost single-handedly fighting an army to rescue them when they get captured. Dig a little deeper, though, and you'll find a much more thought-provoking statement about human nature and perhaps the unavoidability of war. According to Stallone, he also wanted to use the film to bring attention to the crisis in Myanmar.

This is definitely not your fun, thrill ride of an action film like its recent predecessor, Die Hard 4: Yippee Ki-Yay Motherfucker With a Vengeance, because most of this film is quite believable. Also, the battle scenes are merciless, possibly the most gruesome I've seen, and there is a certain heaviness in the overall tone of the picture. Obviously, the title character was above and beyond the realm of normal men in terms of ass-kicking ability (and muscle mass) but that's a given, and who would have it any other way? Even at sixty-one years old, Sylvester Stallone brings it. If you're at all curious about Rambo 4, it's definitely worth a look.

Shaggy, but not too shabby.

Thursday marks the second day of new late night shows since the Writers Guild strike, and things have never been fuzzier-- ...uh"funnier." Whoops.

That's right. Wednesday night brought Letterman, Leno, Conan and Craig back into our magic moving-picture cubes for the first time in two months. During the hiatus all four shows had been delving deep into the vault for reruns, especially Leno who apparently thought we'd enjoy seeing "vintage" tonight shows dating back to the early 1990's (and who doesn't get a huge kick out of fifteen-year-old current events humor?) And although it is great to have a few more laughs at the expense of John Wayne Bobbitt, it's even better to get back to laughing at Britney Spears.

While Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien returned without the aid of their writing staff, David Letterman's production company, Worldwide Pants was able to reach a special agreement with the WGA which allowed him and Ferguson to use writers even as the strike continues. To quote Dave, "I know what you're thinking--- 'this crap is written?'"

So as the boys over at NBC are desperately killing airtime with audience Q+A, or timing how long a wedding ring will spin on a desk, or interviewing Mike Huckabee, it's business as usual at CBS, sort of. Ferguson actually did an entire show of comedy bits without any guests, which is a first as far as I know (and don't expect me to bother googling that to check.) Dave surprised the nation by sporting a full white beard, which was the subject of much teasing, especially from Letterman's first guest of 2008, Robin Williams. Ironic, considering that Robin was actually turned down for a part in "Planet of the Apes" for being too goddamned hairy. True story.

But the beard brigade doesn't end with Dave; Conan was also rocking some very stylish face-foliage of his own. The orange-haired talk show host actually devoted a segment of his show to admiring his new beard, complete with a creepy theme song by the Max Weinberg 7, proving that you really can get away with anything at twelve-thirty on NBC. In my rarely humble opinion, Conan looks a little less goofy with a beard, which could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending whose sideburn you're on. ("Side." I meant "side.")

So what's with all the Chia-cheeked late night hosts? You're guess is [probably not] as good as mine. My guess is that during their extended time off they all went to see "Sweeney Todd," which left poor Dave and Conan with a terrible fear of razor blades. Either that or they're just now getting really into ZZ Top. Whatever the case may be, TV is worth watching again and everyone is much hairier--- ...uh, "happier."

Best Movies of 2007

2007 was almost as great a year for movies as it was for hairless pictures of Britney Spears. (I'm talking about when she shaved her head, you perverts!) Here are my twenty favorite movies of 2007.



20. "Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters" - Dana Snyder, Carey Means, Dave Willis

-Demented humor at its absolute best. Yet another film on Bruce Campbell's resume where his screen time totals less than one minute.



19. "The Brave One" - Jodie Foster, Terrence Howard

-Cool flick about a woman with a grudge and an unregistered firearm.



18. "Sicko" - Michael Moore

-Without a doubt the most important film of the year, and as cliche as it may sound, it will make you laugh and cry.



17. "Disturbia" - Shia LaBeouf, David Morse, Sarah Roemer, Carrie Ann Moss

-A new spin on the classic by (former) master of suspense, Alfred Hitchcock, "Rear Window."



16. "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" - Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Jessica Biel

-Classic Sandler. Admittedly it would not have made the list if it weren't for moments like this:





15. "Live Free or Die Hard" - Bruce Willis, Justin Long, Mary Elizabeth Winstead

-Willis kicks a ridiculous amount of ass in this film, the height of which being the scene where he takes down a military fighter jet with his bare hands, rivaled only perhaps by the scene where he shoots through his own chest to kill the bad guy. Very little of this film is remotely believable, but who'd have it any other way? Justin Long is also very funny in this flick, which also includes a brief but memorable appearance by Kevin Smith.



14. "28 Weeks Later" - Imogen Poots, Mackintosh Muggleton, Robert Carlyle

-Not only did this kid deliver a fantastic performance in this film, but he also wins the award for best name in history, Mackintosh Muggleton. That's right up there with Engelbert Humperdinck and Julia Guglia.



13. "Hot Fuzz" - Simon Pegg, Nick Frost

-If you can appreciate good British humor, you'll love this movie. If you don't love this movie, I don't love you.



12. "Gone Baby Gone" - Casey Affleck, Michelle Monaghan, Ed Harris, Morgan Freeman

-This movie accomplished what few others succeed at doing. Getting me to think. Quite a feat. Just ask my girlfriend.



11. "Smokin Aces" - Jeremy Piven, Ray Liotta, Ryan Reynolds

So many great characters, probably too many to do them all justice in the length of one film. Alicia Keys and Common were particularly good.



10. "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" - Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman

-Lots of frilly clothes, long hair and dark eye makeup... and not just on Johnny Depp! Nonetheless, it is rare that I actually enjoy a musical this much. Then again, it's rare for a musical to explicitly feature Johnny Depp killing people with a razor blade to make meat pies. Also, Sascha Baron Cohen is hilarious in his role as a rival barber.



9. "Superbad" - Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Seth Rogen

-The filthiest thing I've seen since "Clerks II." Bask in its glorious gutter humor.



8. "Halloween" - Tyler Mane, Daeg Faerch, Sheri Moon Zombie, Malcolm McDowell, Danny Trejo

- Terrifying, horrifying, terrible, horrible horror. Brutal, grisly and merciless. Whoops! How did my review for "Norbit" get in there?



7. "Vacancy" - Luke Wilson, Kate Beckinsale

Awesome retroish horror/suspense thriller. Least comforting ending of the year.



6. "The Hitcher" - Sean Bean, Sophia Bush, Zachary Knighton

So much better than Michael Bay's subsequent grossly overrated blockbuster, "Transformers." Another remake worth checking out. Also worth checking out: Sophia Bush.



5. "The Simpsons Movie" - Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Harry Shearer, Hank Azaria

-The original animated dysfunctional family are still as funny as ever.



4. "Black Snake Moan" - Samuel L. Jackson, Christina Ricci

-Despite a whiny, role by Justin Timberlake, this movie was brilliantly gritty, harsh and heartfelt all at the same time. Samuel Jackson actually learned to play blues guitar for this role.



3. "30 Days of Night" - Josh Hartnett, Melissa George

-Very cool looking vampires attack an unsuspecting Alaskan town with no daylight to stop them. Scary! Another cool horror film by Sam Raimi's production company, Ghost House Pictures.



2. "Shoot 'Em Up" - Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, Monica Bellucci

-Can't say enough about this one. This gem of a movie is obviously inspired by the stupidly awesome stunts in action films. It's about halfway between tribute and parody. Paul Giamatti is brilliant as Hertz, the best villain since Golliath. Most ludicrous/memorable scene: Mr. Smith wins a gunfight with a bunch of bad guys while having sex with a gorgeous woman.



1. "Grindhouse" - Rose McGowan, Freddy Rodriguez, Kurt Russel, Rosario Dawson, Vanessa Ferlito, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Zoe Bell, Sydney Tamila Poitier, Tracie Thorns, Jordan Ladd



-My undisputed favorite movie of 2007. I'm not ashamed to admit I paid to see this four times, and not only to gawk at Rose McGowan (whose tantalizing "go-go dance" which opens the double feature is now very high on my list of greatest things ever captured on film,) but also to marvel at the utter recklessness of Zoe Bell hanging onto the hood of a '71 Challenger as it's being rammed by another car in high-speed pursuit. To say the stunt work is astounding would be like saying "Transformers" was "kind of unrealistic." Then there's the gun leg, the always quirky Tarantino dialog, the zombies and the ultra cool soundtrack. Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino have created a masterpiece.

What I've learned from Guitar Hero III

*Satan shreds ASS on guitar.

*CGI chicks. Sometimes when you turn on your TV, it returns the favor.

*Fender does not exist.

*There can never be too much product placement.

*Video game guitar is way fucking harder than real guitar.

*Playing GH3 distorts space and time / 4am comes sooner than you think.

*Rock stars can never look too insane.

*CGI chicks. They give a whole new meaning to "playing with your Wii."

*Unlike real guitar, getting good at GH3 will not help you get laid.

*To answer the age-old question, "What melts first, the eyes or the brain?" ...The eyes.

*CGI chicks. The more you see of them, the less you see of real ones.

*Ever wonder why Hendrix smashed and burned his instruments? Try "Welcome to the Jungle" on expert.

Bruce Campbell: Master of Suspense

Alfred Hitchcock is out. Has Hitchcock ever made a movie and said "MAYBE coming to a theater near you?" Has Hitchcock ever declared a release date, called "PSYCHE!" declared another release date, called "PSYCHE!" declared another release date, and called "PSYCHE!" again? Has Hitchcock ever said "it'll be straight to video... no, it'll be in theaters... no wait, straight to video..." Has Hitchcock ever made a movie, worked on and completed and released about eighty other projects including an entire season of a TV series, a string of commercials, several film roles and cameos, all before releasing the original movie?

NO. "Master of Suspense" my ass!

At this point Bruce Campbell has every one of his fans so far over the edge of their seats they're in the next freaking row!

Ok, Campbell. You win. For love of all that is unholy, WHEN IS "MY NAME IS BRUCE" COMING OUT?

-D

[If you're wondering what the hell I'm blathering about, go to http://imdb.com/title/tt0489235/ to find out.]